Emily M. DeArdo

Emily M. DeArdo

author

Glorious Scars

Catholicism, essays, the bookEmily DeArdoComment

For my spiritual reading, I’m re-reading Fulton Sheen’s Life of Christ. And as I was reading yesterday, I came across this great bit:

Satan never has and never will appear with scars.

And this struck me so deeply, and I’ll tell you why.

I talk about this in my book (in the epilogue)—the idea that Christ has glorious scars, that we see, in His glory, the scars of His crucifixion and the things he has endured. The hymn “Lo, He Comes With Clouds Descending” talks about this:

With what rapture

With what rapture

With what rapture

Gaze we on those glorious scars!


But we don’t like scars, right? We try to cover them up or remove them or have them lasered away, because they’re imperfect, they’re ugly, they’re not pretty.

But they’re also signs that we survived. Chris Cleave, in his novel Little Bee, writes that scars don’t form on dead people. Scars are signs of life. And they are.

I have a lot of scars, in a lot of places. But they’re signs of life. Just like Christ’s are, they’re signs of triumph in battle, of overcoming, of survival and glory.

Satan doesn’t have scars, because he doesn’t fight the battle. He causes the battle.

Christ fought the battle and won. Thomas poked his fingers into the scars and saw them and believed.

To me, scars aren’t ugly. They’re glorious. And they’re glorious for Jesus, too.


(Here’s my favorite version of “Lo He Comes”—by the Dominican student brothers of the Province of St. Joseph. You can get the CD here. )


Seven Quick Takes--the June Finish Line!!!!

7 Quick Takes, health, transplantEmily DeArdo1 Comment
seven quick takes.jpg

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OK so first, here’s a lovely interview I did with my friend and fellow author Andrea Green Burton!

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Oh my goodness folks. It’s been Doctor Month around here, but I am so glad to be done. Done done DOOOOOONE!

A picture of the New Resort!

A picture of the New Resort!


Behold, the NEW RESORT.

My new clinic is beneath the walkway bridge you see in this photo on the left. Hi clinic! :)

So, last week I had my first round of Yearly Transplant Testing at the new resort. This was not here, it was at another building slightly off campus. (OSU is very very large)

Here’s what I had done:

PFTs—spirometry (aka, basic PFTs where we check how much lung function I have), a gas diffusion test (which tells you how various gasses diffuse in my lungs and such) and another test called “the box” (where you sit…in a box), and to be honest I’m not entirely sure what that does. I want to say it measures tidal volume or something like that, but I only do it once a year, so….

I met a new respiratory tech (RTs). She was nice. At the time I didn’t know this, but now I know that my PFTs and chest X-rays and blood work will all be happening at this building, so I ‘ll probably get very familiar with the RTs, infusion nurses (because blood work=port access=infusion clinic!), and radiologists here! The building is pretty nice, and it has food, so that’s a good thing, and free parking.

Anyway, PFTs were fine/good. So yay there.

The Six Minute Walk, which I was sort of dreading. Basically a course of a certain length in a hallway is marked and you just walk around the two cones that mark the ends, doing laps for six minutes while your oxygen saturation (sats) are checked via a pulse ox. I was i the normal range, hallelujah!!!! I was really nervous about this test because, you know, haven’t really been getting out all that much….

Then I had a CT scan, which was fine except for two things—one, they had me move on my stomach for some of them, which was uncomfy because I’m a stomach breather and so I couldn’t really hold my breath that well or that long and they kept doing them back to back, so I couldn’t really catch my breath, and two, they just shoved me back out in the hospital without letting me stop to put my bra back on. WEIRD.

So I had to go into the bathroom and, you know, get dressed again. (I had my shirt on, just not my bra. So, weird.)

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OK so after this, I went to another building for the cardiology tests. I was really early—we were booking it today—but once they adjusted to a patient being early, they took me early. I had an ECHO which I loathe with all my being because it HURTS having someone push a transducer INTO YOUR RIBS. For a half hour!

But we ended the day with an EKG, which was fine. Both these tests were fine. SO YAY WINNING AT LIFE.


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And then I went and got lunch at a French cafe and sketched! (Yes, I wore a mask. There was no one in the dining room. Everyone was out on the patio or in the little bar because it was a really nice day, so I had the whole dining room to myself and I sketched and had quiche lorraine and a chocolate croissant and it was LIFE.)

See? NO ONE AROUND.  Also social distancing markers!!!!

See? NO ONE AROUND. Also social distancing markers!!!!

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OK so, that was Friday, which was also my daddy’s birthday. And then mom’s birthday was on Monday. So here are my cute parents:

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and their 41st wedding anniversary is on Tuesday! And that’s also my grandma’s NINETIETH birthday!!!!!

(here’s grandma)

At my sister’s wedding last year in Estes Park, CO.

At my sister’s wedding last year in Estes Park, CO.

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OK so lots of parties.

Anyway, yesterday, I had my first appointment at the new lung transplant clinic (pictured above!). It was my same doctor, which was great, and my new coordinator is really nice, so I think we’ll get along just great.

The clinic is….weird. Actually, OSU itself is sort of weird, in that it has these programs, but then it doesn’t have ancillary services that they need. Like, they have a ton of immunocompromised patients, because they have a huge cancer center and transplant section, but there’s no special waiting room for us in the ER.

So, yeah. Why.

Also, the waiting room is basically in the hospital’s atrium, which also makes me go…..why. That doesn’t seem awesome. It’s also incredibly noisy so it makes it very hard for the hearing impaired like moi!

ANYWAY.

Eventually I will adjust to these things.

So the way it works now is I will still be seen every three months. Clinics are in the afternoon, so a few days before my appointment I’ll go to the other offices in the AM for blood draws, PFTs, and chest x-rays (CXRs). Then I have clinic. And we’ll go from there. I do sort of like not having both on the same day.

I will also meet at least one other doctor in the clinic so that someone else has met me and is familiar with all my specialness! :)

(See: CF. Menopause. CI that counter indicates MRIs. Port. Hearing loss! Anemia! Weird diabetes!)

We asked questions, we got answers, and Dad went with me too so he has also met the new folk and seen the clinic.

Also, there is plentiful parking at this location! YAY!!!!! (and it’s free for patients! DOUBLE YAY!)

So now, I’m done with doctor appointments until like, September, and I rejoice in this, and will now take a long weekend to recover from all the madness of the past month! :)


An Interview with Andrea Green Burton

the bookEmily DeArdoComment
Emily_DeArdo__WEB_BADGE.jpg

I’m such a bad book blogger!

My friend and fellow author Andrea Green Burton interviewed me about Living Memento Mori months ago, and I never posted it, and wow, I am terrible! :)

But, I’m posting it today! Andrea asked me some great questions and I had a lot of fun doing this. I hope you enjoy reading our conversation!

(Also, check out her other blog posts—she’s working on a historical fiction novel now and it’s fabulous!)

Seven Quick Takes--Doctor Week

7 Quick Takes, transplant, healthEmily DeArdo6 Comments
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OK so, this isn’t really going to be a quick takes, I don’t think, it’s really going to be more of a “this is what happened in Emily’s world!” this week. :)


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MONDAY

I contacted my endocrinologist b/c I think, per usual, that we changed too many things about my insulin at one time and it was MAKING ME CRAZY.

Really. It was “Emily hates the world for no apparent reason and also WANTS TO CRY FOR NO APPARENT REASON.”

Not fun.

So yeah, we made a few small tweaky things—as in, we’re just slowing down the insulin train. Hopefully that will help. (And will also help my weight….sigh….because yeah, I HATE gaining weight b/c of insulin adjustments. HATE IT.


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Time to visit my ENT!

While in the waiting room, I snapped this picture!

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First, yes, those are lovely old school Resort face masks, because TEDDY BEARS!!!!

Second, that’s how you wear a mask! It must cover your nose! It must adjust to your face!

Please don’t be stupid. If you’re gonna wear a mask, wear it properly.

Anyway, the ENT was fine. Thank goodness, because I’d had a sinus infection during all this and apparently it left nothing but a little bit of “debris” (his word) that we got rid of. Yay!

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Wednesday: Dermatologist! Apparently she wants me to use some sort of cream on my arms. So I’m waiting for that to be delivered, but the good news is that we didn’t see any sort of new skin cancers, so yay there!

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Today was book club. I’ve also been really sore all week because of the new workout I’m doing. It’s ROUGH. I mean it’s hard cardio, so the legs are adjusting, but cranky.

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And finally, (so 6, not 7, takes) tomorrow I have all my yearly transplant tests at the New Resort and I’m a little nervous about that. One, because I don’t know if people will take off their masks to talk to me. Two, I’ll have to explain all sorts of things to these people. Like, my PFTs are generally a little weird. They’ve always been that way. Etc. Third, I’ve actually had respiratory techs yell at me because I haven’t been able to do the tests “properly”. Um…..I’m doing the best I can here!!!!!! So yeah, I’m afraid of new techs.

The tests will take all day (full PFTs, 6 minute walk test—UGH, dreading this—a CT scan, and then an EKG and an Echo.). Afterwards I head to my parents’ so we can celebrate my dad’s birthday!

So that’s it from around here! How are you doing?



Seven Quick Takes--June Is Bustin' Out All Over

7 Quick Takes, book club, Catholic 101, Dominicans, health, transplant, women saints seriesEmily DeArdo5 Comments
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Since it’s Corpus Christi this weekend….

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Gosh I love Corpus Christi! Of course I’m not going back to Mass yet. So I’ll have to celebrate at home. I might go back to Mass in July. I have a doctor appointment later this month and we’ll talk about those things.

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From the blog this week

Heart Note

I’ve stopped the Wednesday Notebooks—did you like them? Because I can bring them back. Let me know in the comments!

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Also, one of my perennial favorite posts: The Real Lucy Pevensie

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So this week is sort of the “calm before the storm” in a sense. I had nothing scheduled all week. I’ve enjoyed it. :) Next week, however, it gets a little crazy: I see my ENT on Tuesday and I’m really happy about that because man, do things need checked and cleaned out. I see my dermatologist on Wednesday. And on Friday, I have my yearly transplant tests, but they’re at the New Center, so it’ll be….interesting. I mean the tests are all tests I’ve done before. But it’s new people and a new setting and I have no idea how The Mask Thing will go—because usually, medical professionals take them off so I. can understand them. Will that fly here? No idea. Sigh. I’m a little nervous about that.

Friday is also my dad’s birthday! And then my BIL’s birthday is on the 21st, and Mom’s is on the 22nd, and their anniversary (Mom and Dad’s) is the 30th, and that’s also my grandma’s 90th birthday!!! (And my sister and BIL have their anniversary on Saturday!)

whew!

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The week after I have my first appointment at the New Center. Same doctor, but a much larger team—with more doctors as well, so it’ll really be like my old CF center, where you have multiple docs but there’s one who usually follows you. I will report back on how this goes.

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I’m also adjusting my insulin, and wow, whenever I adjust it, my body gets cranky. I had some sort of bug on Tuesday this week, so that’s why no book club. And I’m hungry. Which is normal when you adjust insulin but it doesn’t make me any happier to know that it’s normal!

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Finally some book business!

If you would like a signed copy: They are $20. Email me here. The price includes shipping and book gooides!

If you have a copy and would like a signed book plate, those are $3. Again, email me. You also get book goodies.

I also have an ebook, Catholic 101, that is $5!

Book Club is on THURSDAY next week because of the various doctor appointments. :) So Thursday at 3:00 on my Facebook Writer Page. Previous book club videos are also there, so you can catch up to your heart’s content!

Heart note

essaysEmily DeArdo2 Comments
women at tea.jpeg

(There have been a few—very few—times in my life when I’ve internally felt that God wanted me to write something. This is one of those times. I’ve lightly edited the post, to remove typos. )

As I write this, it’s 8:00 on Sunday evening. The sun is going down and turning leaves to gold. Sunsets in my part of the world are beautiful. The herb garden on my porch is in shadow. I’m listening to piano music and I’ve just gotten out of the tub, so I’m in my pajamas and a deep pine colored robe that my sister got all the bridesmaids for her wedding last June.

I think everyone has hard months in their year. I know for one friend of mine, it’s February. TS Elliot said that April was the cruelest month. For me—and it’s taken me a few years to realize this—it’s June.

I didn’t really notice this until about three or four years ago, but I was always tetchy in June. I was angry, sad, depressed—I just wanted to be away from everyone. I felt sad for no reason. June was—and is—hard.

But now that I’ve thought about it, I think it’s because it was the month before my transplant. It was a month I spent in the hospital, on the knife edge of death. My body was so worn out that I slept most of the time, and the nurses and doctors didn’t even tell me to eat or schedule PT. Looking back, that was a huge red flag. It was like everyone really knew what was going on but me. I had just finished working my first state budget in the Senate. I thought I was just tired. But really, I was very close to dying.

So June has seared itself on my brain and in my body as a rough month. It was a very prolonged near-death experience and I don’t think I’m being dramatic to say that. I had the daily energy to brush my teeth and maybe get dressed. That was it, most days.

June is a lovely month, with a lot of celebration in it—both my parents’ birthdays, my grandmother’s birthday, my sister’s wedding anniversary, and my parents’ wedding anniversary.

But it’s also really hard for me.

And right now, it seems to be extra hard for all of us.

A former priest from my parish wrote this letter in his parish’s bulletin, and as I read it, I kept thinking, yes. Yes. This is what I’ve been wanting to say and had no idea how to say it.

Normally in this month I ask for—and get—a lot of grace from my people. I usually up my dose of anti-anxiety medication in June. I give myself lots of grace. By the time July rolls around, I feel better.

What I’m suggesting is that we all give each other, right now, lots of grace.

*

The reason I chose the art at the top of this post is because when I write here, I write like I talk. I write to you like I would talk to you if you were here at Orchard House and we were sitting at my table having tea or coffee or cocoa. I’m not trying to impress you with my words and logic. I’m just talking, sharing myself with you. That’s what I’m doing now. I’m sharing these thoughts that have been in my heart for the past eight days, and longer.

It is OK to be quiet, to think, to withdraw and not know what to do or what is going on. Jesus did this, often, in the Gospels. I know that’s a somewhat controversial point right now. And I don’t say it to mean stick your head in the sand and pretend everything is fine. Because, Lord knows, all of us have had a really rocky last three months or so. A lot of things aren’t fine.

Give yourself grace. Give your friends and family and neighbors grace. Give space. Take your own space. We do not have to have every answer to every problem right now. If you’re feeling compassion fatigue, I gotcha.

If you’ve ever read The Secret Life of Bees, you might remember the character of May, who felt things so deeply that she had to write the horrors she saw or heard about on a piece of paper and put them in her wailing wall in the backyard. And one night, she felt so much, and was so lost in the pain, that she went into a river and drowned herself.

I don’t want you to drown yourself. I don’t want to drown my own self.

Feeling things is good. Working to change things is good and necessary. As Christians, we are called to be light to the world and salt of the earth. We are called to love. St. Teresa of Avila said that Christ has no body now but yours, and that’s true. We are his body, his millions of bodies, in the world.

But—If you feel yourself being a meaner, harder version of yourself, you might need some quiet.

It’s all too easy in our world to get caught up in the 24 hour news cycle, in social media, in constant alerts. Lord knows I’ve been there, and I do use social media. But I always try to use it intentionally.

One of the things I always want to do, in anything I write or post, is show you that even in hard times, in darkness, God is with us. He doesn’t abandon us. An imperfect life can still have joy.

We have to fight for joy. And we have to trust God, that His promises hold, and that He is going to taken care of us, the way he takes care of the sparrows. We are made in his image—all of us—and we are inestimably valuable to him.

Have you seen Jesus of Nazareth? It’s one of my family’s favorite movies. There’s a scene where someone has asked Jesus some question—I forget what it was—and Jesus rounds on the man, his eyes flashing, and he says “Everyone! Everyone is welcome at my father’s table!”

That’s the truth, y’all. EVERYONE IS WELCOME. EVERYONE IS ALLOWED. EVERYONE IS LOVED AND CHERISHED AND OF INESTIMABLE WORTH.

So, we remember that. We know that. And if we don’t know it, we need to learn it quick.

So, what do we do with this?

What did Gandalf say? “All we can do is decide what to do with the time that is given us”?

Light drives out darkness. Love drives out hate.

Only God can save any of us.

What does God what you to do? What is His call for you, reader? How do you spread light and love into your own little corner of the world?

If the world is “too much with [you], late and soon”, it is OK to step back. Sometimes that’s even necessary. I remember after a really bad clinic appointment, the social worker once told me to go to a bookshop, get a coffee, and then drive home and read.

This isn’t the same as saying, “Ignore what bugs you! IGNORE IGNORE LA LA LA IGNORANCE!”

It’s, “Right now, you are wounded. You are broken. You are sad. You need to do something to stop the bleeding—physical or metaphorical-and heal yourself. Then, and only then, can you go out and face the dragons you need to face.” Someone who is bleeding out in an ER cannot serve anyone, because he is close to death. He needs others to serve him, so that he can live.

Mother Teresa had this written on her “business cards”:

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To serve, we have to have all the other steps. We have to be able to serve. We don’t have to be perfect people to serve. But we do have to be able to give, and we can’t give if we aren’t full ourselves.

Nothing can be done without prayer, which happens in silence. “In quietness and confidence shall be your strength.” (Isaiah 30:15) Our actions must always be rooted in Christ. That’s why even active orders have hours of prayer before they go into the world to serve every day. The Nashville Dominicans of St. Cecilia start their day with meditation, lauds, and Mass—they give ninety minutes to God before breakfast and the work of teaching.

“In the world you will have trouble, but take courage—I have overcome the world,” is one of my favorite quotes from the Gospel of John (16:33). I think that right now, in your “June”, you might need this. Tuck it into your heart. Remember that you have to root yourself in Christ, we have to draw everything we do from Him.

Whatever our trouble is, whatever injustice is happening, whatever scourge we’re trying to eradicate—we do it with Christ. We do it with our hearts firm and strong. We follow a Man who often went away by Himself to pray, to get strength and courage. We have to do the same.

If someone doesn’t respond the way you do, that’s OK. God calls us to many different ways. Right now, in this month, I am personally very emotionally fragile. Normally I will get in there and do my bit with gusto and fearlessness. But right now, I don’t have the resources for that, and that’s okay.

Build yourself up. Ask God what His plan is for you. Care about the people in front of you, around you. Change your corner of the world. Do it with God, and do it with the support of other Christians. Let’s build each other up.

Let’s give grace, encouragement, and prayer to each other. Let’s be the church that was known, in the early days, by its love.

Jesus lives. Jesus reigns. Jesus conquers.

That’s what we need to remember.

Wherever you go into battle, take Jesus with you. Root yourself deeply in him. And then do his will.



Seven Quick Takes--I went to the dentist!!!!!

7 Quick TakesEmily DeArdo4 Comments
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It’s that kinda time when going to the dentist is considered to be A THING.

So I went to the dentist—my first IN PERSON DOCTOR APPOINTMENT—since this all started. Fortunately, my teeth are in excellent shape, no cavities, and my mouth is behaving.

The reason this is A Thing is because dental health is actually connected to health, in general, which some people don’t know. If you’d heard all the horror stories from my transplant team about dental health they’ve seen, you’d be nervous about missing dental appointments, too!

But, fortunately, teeth are good, and we’re back on a regular schedule.

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The cardigan progresses nicely!


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Just about everything is opening up here, or on the way—zoos and such are the next thing to open, and movie theaters are in there, too. The movie theater in my town is a big economic driver, so it’s been really weird to see it sitting empty for all these months.

Churches are open, but I still haven’t gone. I don’t know if I’ll go until next month—I’m just not sure.


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Here’s a little graphic I made last night. Actually, two of them.

I was re-reading Christy last night—one of my favorites—and these two quotes jumped out at me.

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To me, this first quote is essential. We have to decide, every day, how we’re going to live our lives. How we’re going to treat people, how we’re going to bring Christ to people. That can be as simple as a smile, or as complex as being a martyr. What does God want for you? This is something that we each have to listen for in prayer. Not everyone’s way of bringing the Gospel is the same. All the saints are fabulously different, and thank God for that. The variety is what makes us Catholic—worldwide, universal.

Here’s the next one….


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_Those who have never rebelled against God or at some point in their lives shaken their fists in the face of haven, have never encounter God at all._ (1).png

This is a big thing for me. If you’ve read Living Memento Mori, you know that! God can handle our anger. God can handle our fears and our screams and our fury. Engage honestly with God.

If you don’t think this is true—then, like Miss Alice in the book, I’m going to tell you to read Job and to read The Psalms. There’s a lot of crying and despair in those. But what happens?

The Lord lifts David and Job back up.

So, those are two quotes I thought I’d share with you, and I made them pretty! :)

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Book business: If you would like a signed copy, email me. For $20, you get shipping and book goodies included. I can also sign the book to your person of choice, if it’s a gift. If you have a copy and you’d like a book plate and other goodies, email me as well. That’s $3—shipping also included.

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How are you doing? What’s going on in your life?





Emily Knits a Cardigan--the back is done!

knittingEmily DeArdo4 Comments
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Other entries in this series :

UPDATE!

Emily Knits A Cardigan—first post

So, as you can see, the back is done! This is probably the biggest “piece” of the cardigan puzzle, so I’m glad to have this bit finished!

One of the hardest things for me in knitting this is knowing how many repeats to do. The pattern isn’t always clear—for example, in this case, the pattern said X number of repeats, but at the end, there should be 52 stitches on the needle. It took me about 11 more rows to get to the 52 stitches mark, so…..

Here are some detail shots:


Some of the decreasing toward the neck.

Some of the decreasing toward the neck.

More decreasing!

More decreasing!

The rest of the cardigan is as follows:

Left Front

Right Front

Sleeves

Collar

So I’m on the left front now, which is simple, except for the pesky repeats. Fortunately if I’m wrong and I have to frog, I don’t have to frog too badly. Unlike the back, which starts with 125 stitches on the needle, this only starts with two, and somehow that makes frogging more palatable to me!

And, cardigan love in the news….