Linking up with Kelly

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I had a clinic appointment on Monday, which was OK. I mean, the lungs are fine, the immunosuppression levels are fine….I’m just not super looking forward to the endocrinologist visit on the thirtieth. The doctor gets great reviews from clinic—everyone seems to like her and she seems really competent (more than competent!), but I just don’t want to see another doctor. But, I will. So that’s coming up, but at least I’m more than halfway through the list of doctor appointments crammed into this month!

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One of the things that’s hard for me, as a person with a chronic illness, is that I don’t get to do a lot of things on my own terms. If you read any sort of weight loss/ health book, one of the first things the writer will say is “Do it for you, do what you like, throw out your scale”—with the idea being that making health changes shouldn’t be dependent on the feedback you get, like, weight loss, or what someone else wants for you, because that won’t make the changes stick. You have to do it for you.

I never get to “do it for me.”

I’d be fine with a few walks around the neighborhood, a few yoga flows, some ballet beautiful here and there. I know that my body does like to move, it needs to move in certain ways (thank you, knee messed up from meds that requires lots of love!). I know that. And I’m fine with that.

But the problem is, that’s not enough for all the people I see. They want results. They want a program, 30/40 minutes every day, with results. They want weight loss (we won’t talk about how the Terrible Insulin Experiment led to weight gain…..). They want results.

So I don’t get to do it for me. I do it for them.

Sometimes I think about Amber—we talked about this a lot. She told me once that she exercised to punish her body—to bend it to her will, to make it to what she wanted. And I never wanted to do that. I don’t want to punish my body. Lord knows it’s been punished enough, poor thing. I want it to behave, but I don’t want to subdue it to my will and punish it.

A lot of the time, I feel like I’m trying—and failing spectacularly—to do what everyone wants me to do. But what I want never really figures into it. What I am comfortable with, the results I want to see—they’re not enough. So, yeah, it’s extremely frustrating. I’m not really sure how to deal with that frustration right now, to be honest with you.

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So, this month of doctors (and all the appointments have been pretty good—things are stable, or are clearing up [sinuses, yay!]) has led me to be crankier/sadder than usual. I don’t really like it, but there it is. And I do try to be honest with you, blog readers. :) I will never, ever not love being alive. But that doesn’t mean that there aren’t times when I’d like to call a time out and just try to live like other people do for, you know, a month. Six months.

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Anddd OK, got that out. :)

I should have the finalized book cover—and news for you about the awesome person who wrote the preface—very very very soon. I actually thought it would be this week, but who knows (it could happen later today!)

Anyway, if you want all the exciting news first, sign up for the newsletter. Please and thank you.

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You might not notice but there are some changes round the blog! I have an events page set up, which hopefully will have some items on it in the future, such as book signings and appearances and stuff like that! I also have a blog email: hello@emilymdeardo.com. If you have questions, want signed books (eventually), press, etc…..all of that stuff goes to this email address!

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If you’ve never seen Script Ohio, please change that and watch it:

Even if you do not like football, Script Ohio is superb. and deserves lots of love!

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Fall is in earnest here, which makes me happy. The hawthorn tree outside Orchard House is heavy with berries, the leaves are changing colors, and I saw this little guy on my walk yesterday:

Have a great weekend!